Am i alright or am i sick ???

I took a nap today n i finally had a dream or shd i say a nightmare.... I havent had one for dunoe how long...I cant even recall the last time i had a dream or nightmare... Does it mean i am sleeping well or issit a sign of something going to happen to mi...? Its very vague... but i dreamt tat i was crippled... Without my legs... @ ferz i was devesated... but i got used to moving ard in my wheelchair n was enjoying myself... While playing @ my void deck i met 2 of my frens(Cant recall who r they... juz rem that they were my frens) A gush of shame filled me maybe due to my disability but soon i overcame it again n was back to my cheerful smiles... Cant rem the rest n i woke up not in sweat... Juz like more of a dream than a nightmare...
Then something more interesting happen in the toilet... I went to shit n realise i m dripping blood... YES i m dripping blood... As in mensus type! LOTSA BLOOD... I tot maybe i din eat enuff fruits n my ass tear or something but no... its dripping from my internal... 3 times to the toilet n yes it still DRIPS ! its not stopping... Kinda scare me but i dun feel any abnormal juz some sharp pain once in a while in strange places i never felt pain @ b4... Did i injured myself again by sleeping too much ? Shd i see a doc ??? AM I DYING ? hahaha.. Hope i am .... I think i drip nearly a glass of blood out.... the whole toilet bowl is RED with my blood.... Not those clear red but those dark red... maybe is becos of my shit... wahahaha
anyway going to sleep now... Was watching a serial until now... Yawn... Nite / Morning guys... Hope when i wake up i aint dripping blood again... hahaha
Else i got to become ah gua liaoz... got mensus... hahaha

What feeling is this? Dispair ? Lost ?

Date: March 2nd 2006
Time 3:36am

Been quite some time i last had such a miserable time. Had been lying on the bed since midnite but have been tossing ard n unable to get to sleep. Tears r welling up but i dunoe y... Maybe is stress but wat stress is der ? i m staying home everyday to play game... Wishes to call someone to chat with... picked up my phone.. flip thru my fone list n i realise. Everyone haf their life. Either bz working or studying and most r already in bed. How can i disturb them juz to entertain myself. Flipping thru den i realise its been more than a mth since anyone last call mi... Hahaha. A joke really but i think i dun need a HP. haha. Also dunoe wats keeping me awake but i juz feel as if a black hole is eating mi up everytime i close my eyes. I feel scared... alone.. helpless.
Had went to catch a movie(Underworld Evolution) alone @ tamp mall in the afternoon n it was a good show. Everytime i seems to step out n whenever i m back home i seem to have this type of strange feeling/sensation. Couldnt describe it but i guess i really need a soul companion whom i can pour my heart to. Or issit being a single too long driving mi crazy... Maybe alot of u guys out der will argue being single is better than attached @ times... But being single for 25yrs straight n rejected by 2 gers u ever fall for even though u did everything u cld is very hard to bear. I had not even tasted wats love... Never even held a ger hand b4... N i DID TRY...
Or maybe is becos of the pressure getting from frens n parents abt mi getting a job tats y i feeling so "cramp". i dunoe.. but everytime someone ask mi abt job hunting i sorta piss off. I trying hard but no one seems to wan to hire mi. They dun even wan mi for a interview. Yes i noe its normal but this ware the 2 yrs i spent "retain" kick in. It have a side effect on mi now. I beginning to think ppl dun wanna even interview me cos i m having my ferz bloody job @ 25 !!!!
such a late starter n juz holding a diploma which is worthless nowadays...
I really hope i could have someone to relate to... Used to have a gal fren whom i can relate to.. but after she started working everything changes... no longer can we communicate. no longer cld we have a quiet dinner cos its kinda awkward going out with her... Had another one whom i used to pour my heart out to... but now she is tied down by work n studies n relationship.. no time for mi . Wan to find my kaki go drink with mi also difficult cos he always claim he is broke but when he is loaded he will spend time with his fren in pubs or lanshop...
Frens, jobs, money, love... I HAVE NONE
Enemy,problems,debts... I HAVE ALOT !
Even after 2 weeks of rest my shoulder is still acting up. Can feel the strain everytime i try to stretch. For a 25 yrs old i think i m getting abit too old for my age... hahaha
Tats all for my whining.. Felt better with this blogging. Hopefully i can be a phoenix n rise again. Cos i feel that i am dead rite now. Oh by the way.. YOU came into my mind again... i miss u really... wonder if ever u can forgive me... :(